#3 Making the case for humanness
Loneliness, human connection, and why vulnerability makes us better people
Connection is a funny thing. Its meaning evolves for us as we go through life, but irrespective of what it means for us, human connection secretes two vital chemicals, without which we’d quite literally become suicidal - serotonin & dopamine. We start at the basics - seeking emotional and physiological nourishment from caregivers - and overtime, our connection needs grow deeper, and more complex, like roots. Funny how much like plants we really are.
As we meet new people and develop a series of social identities over the years, the meaning of connection evolves. What starts with ‘Oh, we go to the same school. She’s my friend!’ evolves into ‘Uh I don’t think I can talk to someone who studies Philosophy and supports Veganism.’ Is this why we have more friends in childhood; why things feel simpler, and the world, less daunting?
Childhood: 1 Teenage: 0
Why does our world-view become more restrictive as we grow and develop a sense of self? Is it because we don’t know ourselves enough as kids to know whom we like, or is it because we haven’t yet been taught to form biases? I like to believe it’s the latter.
As we form biases through adulthood, we gravitate towards those who have the same judgements. And over time, our social circles become smaller & homogenous. So much so, that we entirely stop interacting with people who have different opinions than us. We undervalue diversity as we grow old because it’s the comfortable thing to do. Connection with like-minded people helps us feel seen and heard. It validates our view of the world. Does this explain cults & religious fanaticism as an extreme end? Maybe, but that’s a discussion for a different day.
We seek out validation because without it, we’d go insane at best, and succumb to chronic illnesses, or early death, at worst. Countless studies have shown that loneliness and social isolation are indicators of cognitive decline and dementia, as well as persistent mental health consequences such as depression and anxiety. We’re inherently validation-seeking creatures. Without having people [friends, family, colleagues, neighbours] to discuss our interpretations of the world with, we’d quite literally go insane.
Camus said that the absurdity of existence is inescapable. Is that why we inherently crave human connection? Because existence itself feels so absurd; so uncomfortable, that other humans make it bearable. If this is true, then, isn’t connection really just a shared experience of the world? Of existence? If so, why are we so apprehensive about needing it? When did not needing other humans become cool?
Olivia Laing spent years studying loneliness - she drew parallels with art & history to make the argument for social connection. “What does it feel like to be lonely?” she writes. “It feels like being hungry: like being hungry when everyone around you is readying for a feast. It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged.”
Here’s another paragraph I especially love from Laing’s memoir about loneliness -
So much of the pain of loneliness is to do with concealment, with feeling compelled to hide vulnerability, to tuck ugliness away, to cover up scars as if they are literally repulsive. But why hide? What's so shameful about wanting, about desire, about having failed to achieve satisfaction, about experiencing unhappiness? Why this need to constantly inhabit peak states, or to be comfortably sealed inside a unit of two, turned inward from the world at large?
The more individualistic our culture becomes, the lonelier people are likely to feel.
If you think about all the milestones celebrated across various cultures, they all have to do with other humans. Childbirth, marriage, .. even the milestones that are deemed 'personal' ones, like graduation, in the end, are metrics that would lose their meaning if we erased other humans from the equation.
If everything we do has so much to do with other humans, why is real connection so rare? What about our humanness are we so afraid of sharing with other humans?
The practicality argument
Building connections comes from authenticity. From sharing our humanness with others, so they’re able to feel like theirs isn’t under attack. How does this translate into work?
Every time I talk about this, I’m met with the practicality argument. “Sure, connection is all well and good, but who has the time anymore? How does it translate into everyday life? It’s impractical to expect people to form connections with colleagues in a ‘fast-paced’ work environment.”
Building connections in fact saves time & money.
Harvard Business Review has time and again shared evidence for the benefits of increased social connection at work - “positive social connections at work produce highly desirable results. For example, people get sick less often, recover twice as fast from surgery, experience less depression, learn faster and remember longer, tolerate pain and discomfort better, display more mental acuity, and perform better on the job.” A McKinsey study on culture at work defines EQ as one of the 3 most important factors - When people feel healthier & more accepted at work, when they feel emotionally safe, their performance is likely to peak.
Put simply, fostering meaningful connections with people around you is great for your own productivity as well as theirs.
More and more businesses are spending thousands of dollars on building communities. Why? Because it’s the biggest marketing secret hidden in plain sight - People. Want. To. Feel. Validated.
How does this apply specifically to startups and venture capital?
Startup bros will say, “Um, okay, but being vulnerable doesn’t bring VC capital. You have to sound like you have your shit together at all times.” First of all, shut up, Chad. Who, in the history of humanity, has ever had their shit together at all times?
Second of all, false. Countless VC’s have talked about how authenticity is one of the most important aspects of a founder they decide to invest in.
Lakshmi Balachandra, a scholar at Babson College, spent 10 years understanding the interplay between entrepreneurs and VCs. Among other interesting findings, here’s something that stuck with me:
Balachandra found that from an investor’s standpoint, trust beats competence: “because investors often work closely for several years with entrepreneurs on highly risky ventures, they seek evidence that their new partners will behave in honest, straightforward ways that don’t heighten the risks. In fact, the research showed that entrepreneurs who projected trustworthiness increased their odds of being funded by 10%.
And how do you increase trustworthiness? By leading authentically.
Authentic leaders tend to manage better. Can call a fire a fire instead of ‘smoked mess TM’. And most importantly, know how to ask for help. They spend time putting out fires instead of covering them up — and that makes all the difference.
So make the case for your humanness when you can. It makes you a better person, can literally save lives, and, heck, it also helps you build real relationships that can, in fact, prove highly valuable in the long run.
Just regular smart,
Yashmi