#2 Breaking down personhood, and becoming a less shitty adult
Or, how to become a beacon of light
Personhood as a concept that has been debated endlessly. Kant said a human is a person only if her actions lie in reason. By Kant’s logic, most people I know aren’t persons - at least not all the time. How can we consistently be rational while each time we misplace our keys we fall to the floor and start crying? Even economics assumes rationality to build theoretical models of the way the world works, and then relaxes the assumption to make the models relevant.
Kant: 0 Persons: 1
‘Persons are little atoms, autonomous and independent, interacting with one another largely on the basis of self-interest,’ a thought derived from Kant & other philosophers from the 17th & 18th century.
Kant’s theory relied on the notion of Individualism - the idea that persons are highly independent creatures - hence the ‘self-interest' - able to consistently reason with themselves and the world.
No, Kant. How do you explain my completely unreasonable ex?
The other extreme of Kant’s theory is hyper-collectivism. The idea that we all operate as a group, and must look at social interest over our own. Valid, but unrealistic. Enter: Joseph Kaipayil, a philosopher who found the grey area between individualism & hyper-collectivism.
He said, “Entities are constituted by their multiple relationalities.” An extension of his theory, called ‘The Relationalist Manifesto’ published by The Aspen Institute explains it further -
Individualism detaches the person from all deep connection. Collectivism obliterates the person within the group, and sees groups as faceless herds. The relationalist sees each person as a node in a thick and enchanted web of warm commitments. She seeks to build a neighborhood, nation and world of diverse and creative people who have made commitments in a flowering of different ways, who are nonetheless bound together by sacred chords.
Relationalism advocates rationality & social connections while having individuality at its heart.
Keeping this in mind, let’s think of adulthood as a huge pile of shit. Really, stay with me here. An individualist doesn’t see their own ‘pile of shit’ as something they need to solve or deal with — “That’s just how it is for everyone. It’s a shitty world.” A relationalist understands that their actions aren’t independent of those around them, and that dealing with their pile of shit is almost a duty.
Over the years, a person’s pile of shit grows, and all of their interactions through adulthood contribute to this pile. The unpleasant interactions help develop coping mechanisms. Where these coping mechanisms go wrong, is that adults tend to respond to every human interaction of a remotely similar nature like they’re under attack again.
The average adult tends to project all of this accumulated shit onto others — Projecting means letting other people bear the brunt of your bullshit.
Like a lot of aspects of human behaviour, projection comes down to self-defence. Projecting something you don’t like about yourself onto someone else protects you from having to acknowledge parts of yourself you don’t like. Humans tend to feel more comfortable seeing negative qualities in others rather than in themselves. Projection does what all defence mechanisms are meant to do: keep discomfort about ourselves at bay and outside our awareness. The people who are most prone to projecting are those who don’t know themselves very well, even if they think they do. —Karen Koeing, M. Ed.
Now, considering the two things we’ve just discussed - relationalism & the pile of shit that adulthood is - let’s find the connection. Since relationalism seems like the more logical school of thought compared to individualism, what must a relationalist do with her pile of shit? To begin with, not project it.
Here’s how:
Acknowledge the existence of the shit [slap anyone who tells you to 'just think positively']
Own it [as smelly as it is, it’s your own unique composition of shit - your own trauma, your own coping mechanisms]
People who can accept their failures and weaknesses — and who are comfortable reflecting on the good, bad, and ugly within — tend not to project. They have no need, as they can tolerate recognising or experiencing the negatives about themselves. [Karen Koeing, M. Ed]
Next, take this shit, and unpack it. Go into the depths of why it is the way it is. What is the origin of it?
In other words, what are your insecurities? Your triggers? Your traumas? Situations where you're not your best self? Acknowledge these. Notice how you behave when something triggers you. You’ll find the parts you need to heal.
If you feel like the world owes you something it hasn't given you yet, ask yourself what it is. When you do, you'll find a tiny root for the shit there. Don't go around blaming people for it - remember, it's still your own little pile of shit.
If you find that the root lies in your childhood, be grateful. You now know what went wrong! Embrace the fucked-up-ness of childhood. Link it back into your adult behaviour. It will all start making sense.
Once you've begun the figuring out process of the origin of your shit, you might feel the pile become smaller. Nice, right? To not be constantly haunted by a huge pile of shit?
Once you've overcome your own insecurities, you'll notice yourself break out of your own piece-of-shit-ness.
Of course. You're a good person. With good intentions. But where intent and action don't align — that’s the beautiful land where pieces of shit are born. The longer you keep dealing with your trauma and insecurities, the more piece-of-shit-ness you break out of.
Most people go through their lives being contextually shitty people because they aren’t willing to go through the process of questioning their behaviour - the comfort zone, true to its name! Yes yes yes they're still good people - they're just in the land between intent and action.
A lot of this shitty behaviour is rooted in individualism - the idea that our lives belong to, and affect only us; that it’s up to us to ‘do well’ and ‘make it’ in life, at all costs. It’s quite literally defined as ‘the social theory favouring freedom of action for individuals over collective control.’
This is where relationalism comes in - the idea is to be individualistic enough to take responsibility for yourself, and still be relational enough to acknowledge that we’re all both - the influenced, and the influencer. It’s this dichotomy that governs how we live, and it assigns a huge responsibility to us — that of being a worthy influencer, and a wise ‘influenced’.
So, coming back to how you can be a beacon of light: be more responsible for yourself, and as a result, be a better friend, parent, sibling. You'll know you're making progress when you:
Can laugh about your pile of shit. Things keep going wrong? Blame it on the mercury in gatorade. People gravitate towards those who can find the humour in the bullshit.
Can have difficult conversations - being a beacon of light doesn't mean you pretend it's all sunshine and rainbows. Call your loved ones out on their piece-of-shit-ness.
Can respect that people act based on their relationships with themselves, and that your personhood is not under attack when they act disrespectfully.
Are humble enough to respect other people's ideas, yet wise enough to have your own opinions of them. It's a thin line.
Congratulations, you are now a less shitty adult [arguably, also a beacon of light]!
P.S. Here’s Shane Koyczan’s moving spoken word titled How To Be A Person - a favourite for years now - that I’d love for you to give a listen to.
Just regular smart,
Yashmi
Loved this piece.. It would be the first one with loads of 'shit' in it and still a thought-provoking one :) And thanks for the Youtube video 'How To Be A Person - Shane Koyczan'.. It was beautiful and worth revisiting time and again 👍🏻